A Champagne Crisis

🌹Episode 2


Hannah B., as I’ve said before, is an agent of chaos. After discarding a handful of decently worthwhile men to the side in favor of coupling up with an underwhelming fuckboi, she’s on a mea culpa media tour. First, she invited Tyler C. to drinks on national television only for him to end up dating Gigi Hadid and now she’s showing up at Bachelor Mansion the way a rat shows up to the subway tracks—constantly and like she owns the place.

🌹Programming Notes 🌹

You might have noticed I never followed up with a followup to Episode 1. I have no good excuse for you, other than a bad head cold and a genuine desire to resist getting sucked into this show in any real way.

🌹The Ex Factor 🌹

“What is she doing here?” — every Bachelor contestant in the house.

Since occupying the same orbit as Sean Spicer on Dancing with the Stars was not quite enough limelight for one lifetime, Hannah’s play for Peter’s attention is not only cringeworthy in the extreme, it’s caused a predictable uproar among the harem.

Personally, if a dude is bringing up his ex on a first date, I can’t get away fast enough. It appears not one of these women shares my belief that this is the biggest red flag that could possibly exist at the outset, given how many of them were sympathetic to his absolutely devastating plight. Imagine having dozens of undeniably hot and one or two actually interesting people to build relationships with and still wanting to throw your ex into the mix for funsies? Hard. Pass.

🌹Peter is a Make Out Slut 🌹

This sentiment deserved its own headline.

🌹A Bubbly Breakdown 🌹

Imagine losing your shit over a glass of, um, Iowa’s finest? Here is a woman either so incapable of regulating her emotions that she’s weeping over skunked champagne from…checks notes…Des Moines or who is so desperate for airtime that she is willing to manufacture an absolutely insipid narrative.

To quote Tammy, my curls are falling out.


Listen, it’s 2020 and sexism is ~gestures vaguely~ everywhere but I’ve gotta say that even I, someone who can not was a tiny bit blown away by the production decision to toss a bunch of women on a runway in the name of friendly competition. Our society will clearly never learn.

“Let your personality shine through!” by which we of course mean “trot yourselves out in front of your future husband and all of America like show ponies”.

Choice highlights from this episode:

  • “I’m really meek and shy” — Victoria F., who consequently emerged from backstage clad in a leather trench coat and in a lacy little number that barely qualifies as lingerie while also pulling Peter onstage to make out with her. Textbook wallflower behavior, IMO.

  • Choosing a wedding dress when you could have chosen literally anything else on earth to wear is an absolutely psychotic move.

  • How was Hannah B. sponsored by a subpar ice cream brand but Peter’s season is sponsored by Revolve? SEXISM ABOUNDS.

  • “I just wanted him to see me, finally” — also Victoria F. Don’t need to underscore why this is deeply problematic and dangerous!

  • Victoria F.’s non-stop self-deprecating commentary about her self-worth was almost the most depressing shit I’ve heard in my life until…

  • “I got enough validation tonight so I’m feeling secure” — champagne tyrant

  • How are grown ass adults (looking @ you, Peter, Hannah Ann, and Kelsey) this wiling to fall into a referee situation wherein Peter has to act like a first grade teacher reprimanding school children?

🔮 Episode 3 Predictions 🔮

🔮 Queen Demi is being groomed to take over for Chris Harrison and I cannot be convinced otherwise.

🔮Everyone grows the fuck up and stops crying over utter sandbox nonsense. Just kidding! They’ll continue to lend credence to the idea that women are wildly over-emotional and devious beings who can’t be trusted! I hate myself a little more every time I finish an episode!

See you here next week,


Loading more posts…